At a Loss

I've always wanted to work at this job. Something I've looked forward to since Primary school. It was the only option, only one for me. When the going got tough, I kept this goal in sight. I knew it wasn't a cushy job, certainly not a bed of roses, so I thought I was prepared.

I was alright with the workload. I guess there were times when it was heavy.

But it's a whole new problem now. I'm not achieving the objective of the job and my hands (and legs for that matter) are tied. There isn't much I can do about it. In fact, nothing.

"ya ya everyone's job sucks somehow what.."

But some people go to work for the money. Some go cos it's a stepping stone to somewhere. Since I earn pennies and don't intend to promote anywhere... I only seek self-gratification. I only want to know that I have done my job. The only thing that can put me at ease with myself.

But it isn't possible. I'm fighting a losing battle. Make that a silent and losing battle. Making any form of noise (change) will probably result in a bad record and me losing my job.

Some might tell me... just do your job la. Wah liao other people no job no money le! You have good stable job you want to wreck it...

There's an internal battle... I get no satisfaction from my job anymore... cos I'm not doing it every single day.
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And this happened at an untimely period....

A sub was pissed with me for ticking her off. She then proceeded to LIE to the supervisor in another department, who then complained to my own colleague who was in charge of this sub.

My colleague then asked me to type an explanation and email it to her so that she can veto it and send it back to that supervisor.

I was very indignant cos I did nothing that was accused. It was just lies. But I apologised for the misunderstanding and explained from my point of view...

My colleague... after reading my reply, refused to tell me anything else and told me to send the reply to the supervisor myself. Quite obviously she has some opinion about it and it's likely to be bad news but she is going to let me take the heat myself.

I don't care. I just did it. I sent it. The way I wrote it with no corrections.

I began the year, knowing that I will work this job till the day I retire.

Now... I'm not surprised if I walked out.
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In the midst of doing the jewellery blog... but slow in progress...
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Today I did some psychological personality thing that said that I am an introvert.

I spotted a slight hint of surprise in my colleague's face when I told her my result.

Sometimes I'm surprised too. But it's true.